Hearts on the Sleeve
You cannot know my heart untill you have tasted my tears
Welcome to my work in progress - "That I Might Know Him"
| “Our original shimmering self gets buried so deeply we hardly live out of it at all… Rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves. Which we are constantly putting on and taking off. Like coats and hats against the worlds weather.”Frederich Buechner – Telling Secrets
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Introduction
This is an unfinished work, "That I Might Know Him" puplished here on Heart on the Sleeve, and I will continue editing for a long time. Your questions and comments will help as I continue this work that may even touch your's and the heart of others in our quest and journey our hearts have taken in this life.
(As you continue reading please enjoy the music by Don Potter from his album "Facing the Wall". If it does not play automatically, press the play button at the bottom of the page).
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I am sure there was a time in your life that you asked yourself; what is life all about in anyway? Oh, and there are many opinions about that and I’m sure you have heard some yourself. We face all sorts of challenges in each stage of our lives. From birth to old age, each stage has its joys, adventures, and heart aches, which are normally the cause we suddenly face the question about the purpose of our existence. And there are opinions about that to. We know we are not islands unto ourselves and there is no escaping relationship with other human beings. We all, are accountable to someone and the reason we do our best to live in harmony with each other, well at least some of us try. This brings us to this point, the battle of overcoming one-self. Yes, you remember the time you had to hold your tongue when you wished you could have spoken your mind or feel frustrated because you had nothing clever to say at the time and find yourself wishing you should have said this or that. There are time we face serious heart-ache that brings us to our knees in desperation. We face questions in our hearts and minds that are never satisfied with a reasonable answer. The birth of our first born injects unspeakable joy into our hearts and adds mystery to the monotony of life that we can often find ourselves in. Children and grand children give us reason to live life to the fullest and encourage our hearts to keep going when things get tough; after all we all want to leave some kind of legacy. Deep in our hearts we know even if it is a faint whisper that there is more to life than simply being born just to die.
We have a sense of knowing wrong from right and we find ourselves often arguing with ourselves about how to handle a situation we find ourselves in. Sometimes answers and solutions do not come easy and recognizing the lie from the truth can be very difficult especially when you do not even know what truth really is. Just like that great leader, the governor of Rome the most powerful nation of its time found himself asking Jesus in a discussion, yes even leaders do not have the answer to the most profound yet overlooked question, “What is truth?”
We all know that truth is not dependant on or manipulated by our objectives, opinions and humanistic reasoning’s. What ever we believe, truth will still remain truth and it is important to know that in our search for it. Otherwise truth can be anything and something to some one but to someone else it will be a lie. Whether you know it or not you are searching for truth. In every relationship, or decision you make, in every discussion or argument you have, you are searching for truth. And to some degree you know the truth. That is why you do not kill, you do not steel, and we all know that adultery is wrong. But truth is so much more than just revealing a set of rules. It is a far more profound revelation than actually expected and is the key to a deeper understanding about life even our own lives.
Truth is what the whole universe revolves around and sets everything in order as to avoid catastrophe. It’s what gives our planet life so that we can live. Yes, your very life depends on it. Every breath you take is telling a truth about a law set in place. For example - breath or you will die. Get it; truth is so much more than what we think it is. It is not just a spoken or written word revealing a lie. Truth is a law, the law that affects every area of our lives even beyond death.
If you do not know the truth, how can you be sure you are making good decisions that will affect your life never mind the lives of those who depend on you? One simple decision based on truth or a lie will affects the course of history and can change one mans future never mind a nation’s. In other words, on what are you leaning, on what foundation do you rest your decisions, and how sure are you that it is the truth?
When Pilot asked Jesus that question; “What is truth?” he knew he was facing an answer that answered every question he ever wanted to know about his own life, proud but also disillusioned by the responsibility of power and authority. As he looked at Jesus who seemed to accept everything that was done to and said about Him, he remembered the things he was told about Jesus and the warning he got through his wife’s dream, he realized something profound after Jesus gave him truth, that he had nothing other than that which was given to him. Once proud he now found himself freed from an illusion that power and authority can bring through a revelation of truth. Powerless to what he faced, and desperate to escape responsibility, all he could do was to wash his hands of the situation he found himself in.
In our society toady we make serious life altering decisions as if we are walking through a shopping mall built and founded on the teachings of world religions, mythologies and humanism, and choosing something from each shop that suits us best, and most certainly that which does not require too much discomfort. After all, above each entrance of a shop is the sign headed, “All roads lead to
Can you see that this type of humanistic theology is one of the greatest deceptions that have found its way into the hearts of men and woman? Because, what you believe will affect others in a good or in a bad way. There can be no harmony if we all believe and do what we want to - and face it we all do choose the thing that makes us feel better. Deciding who is wrong or right is not the real crisis the human race actually faces.
Think about it, consider the things you have heard or read about and doctrines and theologies that are out there – to many to even study at length but notice how they all do point to
To find the truth one has to set aside everything you believe in the first place and recognize this, just like Pilot did that day in the presence of Jesus, that truth is not a specific doctrine, theology or teaching. Truth is, wait for it… are you ready for this? … Truth is ... a person! Yes, a person, and not just any person but only one specific person! Confused? Have I thrown all theology out into a spin? … I hope so!
When we look at Christian theologies and doctrines we can easily be lead to believe all sorts of things. That is why there are so many different Christian branches out there and they all have something to say against the next church proclaiming to have the truth. But when we all come together no matter what you believe, what religion or organization you may be in, if we just all see this one point and recognize this - That the Son of God, the Messiah was sent to us to reveal the way, He came as God, the Law, the truth, the life all embodied in a man. He lived, breathed and acted out this truth, the law that we were meant to live by. It is not a law of do’s and don’ts but the law of unconditional love, for God and our neighbor. He said as it is recorded by those who heard Him - John 14:6 – “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father but by Me!” Can you imagine what Pilot must has felt realizing that he was about to have Truth Himself nailed to the cross. His statement had nothing to do with arrogance but and unconditional love and desperate cry that we who are so lost in our own truths that lead to eternal death would finally hear his heart beat for all of man kind to return to the original purpose of our existence. We are made for Him.
Now, do I really have to go into the discussion about His existence? For 200 years now, people are running around this same argument. Thanks to the evolutionists – no disrespect intended, because it has helped mankind to sit down and for once really search for answers. Amazingly things are unfolding that we cannot even imagine in our wildest dreams, about all of life and the reason for all of its existence. It has also proven time and time again that Truth walked the face of the earth, was crucified, rose again from the dead and appeared to many, even still today. These are all eye witness accounts that testify to the hearts of many for the last two thousand years now. Some may have not seen the Christ in the flesh, but have seen the effects of His existence, much like the experience we have with the air that surrounds us fills our lungs and gives us life. Moves the trees like a mother would rock her child to sleep or carries seed far away to fall to the ground and new life is birthed. We don’t see it with the naked eye but we know beyond a shadow of doubt air exists. Just like scientists who have examined life under the microscope so have some examined the existence of God. Beyond what the naked eye can see our spiritual eyes have been opened and we see…
Yes Truth came to show us the truth about our existence and has redirected the thought process we took in our heart and mind. He revealed the illusion of pride, arrogance and self righteousness and offers us a new beginning through a spiritual birth, breathing true life in us. And all we have to do is ask.
We are born from the safety and warmth of our mother’s womb into a very cold environment and the only comfort is found in our mothers arms. We go through life experiencing and facing all sorts of things, most of it we cannot even remember, yet they have had influence in forming the very person we are today. As children we have experience life without any inhibitions. The sound of our mother’s voice and her loving touch that brought comfort, the noises of everyday life, the colours the shadows and shapes have totally occupied our mind. The first time we tasted ice-cream awoke a new thrill for life and its pleasures. We received every experience within ourselves. We were fully aware of our surroundings and welcomed the emotion it stirred up in us. It formed us, and set us in our ways. As young defenseless and penetrable beings the experiences our personal circumstances molded who we have become today.
We are often faced with shuddering realities of our own frailty. Those moments train us to isolate our inner selves and live to please others. In puberty we face conflicting powers developing within us, we recognize the power to be all that we could be but at the same time we, oh so clearly see our short comings and failure unable to live up to the expectations of our parents, that of our peers and, ironically our own expectations. We are faced with unavoidable decisions when we suddenly realize that our parents are not gods, (some of us may be relieved at this discovery), yet this forces us to grow up and become responsible not only for our actions but also for our own future.
Realizing the reality that we are not only of flesh and blood but also of the spirit, awakens another terrifying reality, death and that we all have to face it, some sooner than others. Every day brings us a step closer to the grave. It awakens a respect and gratefulness for ever day. The fact that we fear death, some more than others reflect an inner knowing that we are in fact eternal beings. As if death is something unnatural. We know instinctively that we were created to live forever, that death and extermination of our very essence was not part of a mysterious plan. We know something, somewhere somehow has gone wrong; this is not how it is meant to be. Something in us searches earnestly for truth, beauty and freedom. But we also know that there is absolutely nothing we can do about death we try ignore it and simply go on day by day hoping, and making the most of the life we were born into. 
For me the truth, beauty and freedom and true fascination of this life began when I was found. Yes I was found by Truth. Like a lost and bewildered child looking for it’s parents in the middle of a busy shopping mall, He whispered my name, took my hand lifted my head and revealed Himself to me. The God of Israel choose me, another Gentile and in the suffering and the joy, in the good and the bad times, He became so much a part of my very being that I can no longer breathe without Him. This is my testimony where the events in my life became His story through my life. I have been told that I complicate matters. Perhaps I do. Not everyone enjoys deep sea diving. But those who have gone to the dark depths have seen and experienced wonders others can only imagine. People who like to keep things simple, mathematically and logically analyzing life help bring the deep sea divers back on land to tell of the wonders they have learned. To discover and understand every hidden corner and avenue of the human heart and mind, diving into the depths of hidden secrets and mysteries is like an adventure to me. I suppose I have a heart of an explorer and listening to other people’s adventures with life is not enough for me. I desire understanding and know that there is far beyond logic and reason mystery that waits to be discovered. As a wise man once wrote, (Pro 25:2) “The glory of God is to hide a thing; but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.” I have surrender my heart and soul since the age of 14 to discovering the truth about life and the purpose for our existence which obviously was birthed from meeting Him in a more intimate way. I have resigned myself to remaining teachable and desire understanding yet, for reasons I will explain, I hold the Holy Scriptures, the Bible as the final authority. Now why would I do that if I am on a course to find truth about all life, you may ask? It is simple. Become a master in one thing - I have chosen; understanding the Heart and Master -mind behind the mystery of our creation and existence. Then search for and discover the parallels in all other things that are good and bears witness in the heart of the human being - this will lead you to the truth and helps one recognize the lie, the bad and that which causes the human heart to faint in trying times. Truth removes illusions of grandeur, fame and fortune and sets the heart on an adventure filled with deep passionate intimacy with its Creator. It may seem that I come against some Christian doctrines circulating amongst Christians, but please do not misunderstand. Having gone through so many different churches, listening to all sorts of doctrines and teachings, I am sure you have heard them all too, buthas lead me to only one conclusion. Doctrine and theology without touching the essence of God - which is love, will only lead a person, more often than not astray, puffed up, full of pride and un-teachable. There are just too many different ideas and branches of Christianity out there and having discovered how so easily we can be led astray in a specific doctrine and how it can torment the soul, I remaining cautious and ready to hear from God. To lead another astray, away from the essence of God by splitting hairs about doctrine or theology or psychology and philosophies is not my intention but rather so that you can re-examine your answers, convictions and theology by looking at the answers to all the questions I have asked. I am not trying to create a new doctrine either but am simply examining already existing doctrines more exhaustively, that I believe is mostly ignored as people get on with life and trying to do the right things. I have focused on an passionately intimate relationship with God and sat at His feet listening to His teaching as I studied the Bible with a variety of teachers and preachers who’s teachings reached into my soul, confirmed what I already heard deep within and brought life to my heart. I do not advise anyone to do just what I have as to find the truth because it can complicate matters which I have also experienced, but take advantage of all my effort to gather the information I have and with great effort tried to make sense of it all. As a wise man ones said in Ecclesiastics 12:12 “And further, by these, my son, be warned: The making of many books has no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.” The reason I want to share some of my experiences with you is so that perhaps you may understand where I am coming from, why I made the choices I made and why I ask the questions I do. Perhaps you will recognize a bit of yourself in my story, or maybe they are so foreign to you, you may discover something new. There is a darkness that rages within me that terrifies. The deep secrets hidden, even from me are revealed the closer I get to “The Light”. Oh, I have ignored it for so long but something in me stirs me up to face the truth about myself, like so many of us have. Facing truth can be the hardest thing all of us will have to face. Yet somewhere in us lies a determination to reach that goal that was set before us even if we don’t know what that goal might be we know it is there. And along the journey we all want to be better, beautiful, likeable, desired, wanted, missed and loved. Yet when we face the mirror that reflects the image of our true condition what do we really see…
We are a simple “middle class” South African family with so much mixed European blood running through our veins it is only possible to call us white South Africans. There are no fantastic events that happened in my family so cannot present to you a fantastic spy or adventure story or present a testimony as a missionary surviving cannibals. We were simply a normal yet totally dysfunctional family, which is considered normal now-a-days, trying to maintain sanity in this world of today, just like the most of us. Yet, perhaps through theses pages you will discover some treasures that will give you strength and hope and perhaps set you on a path of your own toward great things.
We can but must never reject the past because it is what can gives us our strengths and helped formed the person we want to be as we strive to be better. Better than what or who? Does it matter? Just be better. It is not “they” (parents, grandparents, guardians, the church…) who have “formed” our character as we are led to believe. As a few comments about how we are brain washed but parents and Biblical doctrines. It is not that simple. Do people really believe, think about it, could it possibly be true that all those experiences we have had have been as hammers and chisels to manipulate our true selves into the person we see in that mirror. The more I look at all these theories we hear from psychologists, therapists, teachers, and preachers and compare it to my growing understanding of truth the more I question this theory - if I may call it that.
Yes, a hammer and chisel in the hands of true artist will help create the most beautiful image out of something that looked like nothing but a broken and formless rock. But how do we know that the very experiences we have are not the way it is meant to be in the first place. That they are not mistakes but simply part of living in this imperfect world full of imperfect damaged people who refuse to surrender their lives to the one who will form them in places of healing and wholeness.
The universal question always lurks in the quiet, painful moments – where is God when it hurts? Why does He allow pain and suffering if He is supposed to be a God that loves. But they are shortsighted ideas that are meant to distract us from the truth and lead us into deceptions.
Please do not misunderstand me in what I am about to say. I do not believe for one second that God Himself brings pain and suffering to us, that He causes it in our lives but this I do believe. Those very experiences, especially the painful and bad that when we surrender them to the One are as the chisel in the hands of the Master who is able to form who we really are out of the fallen rock. He takes what was ment to harm us and turns it inot something that will complete us. As He chisels away the sharp corners, the flaws and smoothes away the imperfections that life shaped the more we begin to recognize who we are really meant to be. It is only our human logic that get in the way as we assume that growing pains are unnatural and becoming whole and healed is painless. Now I know is sounds derogatory to the very nature of a God who is Love to proclaim that He uses our damaged selves to form a perfect, unique being, that He uses pain and suffering to make us beautiful, especially if you are in or come out of a very abusive situation. I sounds unthinkable but there is more to it than that.
The past has set us on a road we cannot escape and it is the past washed through understanding that guides us to our future. The experiences we have in life, the things we learn to love, fear, hate, despise and tolerate are all learned. Experiences teach us how to think, react and judge things and people through a learned processes. I mean, think about it. How do we really know what fear is until we have experienced its paralyzing grip in moments of terror. What stirs fear in one person may stir anger in another person depending on that specific expereince.
Consider that we learned that the sky is blue. Do you remember who actually told you that? We have this idea of earth being enveloped by a blue sky. Look at the pictures children draw, the differences between the ages of 4 to 7 years old. The littlies will draw the sky as a blue strip across the top of the page – they understand that the sky is above them. The older they get they begin to realize that the sky touches the ground far in the distance. We all know now that the ”blue sky” is in fact not really as it seems. It is but all the different gasses and reflections of light that give us the elution of a blue sky. And so is life to me, the more knowledge and understanding I gather the better I can process living this life seeing beyond the illusion we have learned to see.
Discovering and holding on to the truth about why thing are really the way they are helped me renew my thinking processes and thought patterns which in turn helped me react differently to new experiences I have in life.
Although your experiences may and probably will be different to what I have experienced, you may find a familiar thread running through your person, a poisonous thread that threatens to destroy and control you. Without seriously thinking about it and taking control this thread seems to have living branches like roots piercing every area of your life when another part of you screams out that there must be another way to deal with this circumstance. It effects almost destructively the way you react to situations and people, especially the ones you love and are the closest to you, never mind that bad driver who cut in front of you the other day or that rude lady who left her shopping trolling in the middle of the way making it impossible to pass.
Looking beyond the obviously blue sky I discovered that there is another way to do things and experience life and it is not just wishful thinking or a distant and almost forgotten dream. By no means have I understood the length and breadth of it all. The one thing I have discovered is that the more I discover the more I realize how little I really do understand. Almost like strengthening the telescope one see so much more to discover. Yet I hope with all my heart that my thoughts will encourage you to look beyond the elusion that has gripped our hearts and minds. That it will touch your heart, bring healing. That it confirms what you already know deep down inside steadying your foundation, giving you a little broader perspective and wisdom, I hope it makes you feel normal, that you are not alone and in unfamiliar territory, but most importantly, if this book reveals to you a God you never knew, and would like to know and can know then it has accomplished what it is meant to do.
I myself am now a wife and mother of 5 children which does obviously help one understand our own parents a little more. Of course it would be great to see the whole picture and know every detailed of when how and why, but when different parties are declaring they speak the truth, which would you choose to call the liar 
when they are the people you love. Of course, every individual has a different perspective on a situation and then again others will tell their perspective with the motive to manipulate the truth for their own benefit, so that they don’t look bad. I have had to come to one conclusion realizing how God knows the heart of man that even though we like to think we are in control of our lives, we are in fact on a path already set before us. This already is a mystery in itself but the more I get to know God and His ways the more I realize that although we are not puppets on a string and do have freedom to choose I’ve recognized, looking at the big picture that we were already chosen long before we even had the breath to say “Yes” or “No”. We can choose our end result but it will be only one of two destinies, heaven or hell. Joseph the son of Jacob after so many lonely tormenting years in slavery and prison, which lead him to becoming the second most powerful man in Egypt so beautifully puts it in Genesis 45:8 after being betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers said to them as they stood before him ashamed of what they had done - “And now you did not send me here, but God."
